Steph's Side: ManCation Benefits...

Okay, so I know its been so long that you probably don't even remember what I look like. So, here's a refresher....

Lol, but enough of the jokey-joke. I came by today, taking time out of my busy life to tell you guys what is up with my mancation. SO, as you know, I am now in month 4 of the ManCation, and let me tell you, it has been quite the journey. I have found so much out about myself, just by taking a break from trying so hard to fall in love with everything with a penis, that I love myself and appreciate my past a little but more, in a different way.

So, here are a few more realizations, thoughts and questions that have come up since January 1st.

1. So, because having crushes and man-scoping had become such an essential and large distraction in my day to day life, the fact that it was cut off cold turkey definitely was hard. I think it gave me more time to look at myself and my actions and my flaws and insecurities. Like, I no longer had some guy to obsess about, so my attention diverted back to me, where it should have been anyway. It's caused me to notice things about myself, things that I needed to change. Like the fact that around guys, I wasn't as social and confident and humorous as I was around a random female. SO, in turn I decided to fix that. Now, it is not even a little bit of a problem for me to joke around with a guy I just met, or tease them, and I frankly could give a flying CENSORED what a guy thinks about me anymore.
2. I fear sometimes that I am becoming comfortable with being single. Sometimes it empowers me and makes me feel like I can survive without a guy on my arm, but sometimes it makes me feel like I will be so wrapped up in being I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T, that I won't know when the right guy for me comes popping up. I hope that I can be wise enough in the future to notice when I need to be independent and on my own, and when I need to find a guy to start a beautiful family with.
3. I still feel the urge sometimes to be like my friends and find a guy to talk to. I still get lonely. I still get that feeling that I will be alone forever and no guy will come along. I am still plagued with the many insecurities of a single woman. My mancation does not give me super powers.
4. I have a working theory that one of the main reasons why I wanted a boyfriend so bad was because of the fact that I am a bit guarded to people, and the fact that I wish there was that one person who knew me better than I knew myself, who knew my past, my present, my flaws and still loved me. And I know God does, but if that were enough, then Adam wouldn't have needed Eve. Right? Anyways, I feel like I equated love to that. Like, love to me then meant someone who loved you in spite and sometimes because of your past and the mistakes you made, you know? I was looking for a guy to know me and tell me that it was okay to be me, okay to be scarred and broken and vulnerable. 
5. Because of number 4, though, I can tell why guys were running in the opposite direction from me. I was a desperate mess, searching for someone, anyone to love me. Just to give me an approval stamp that meant, Yes, Steph, you can be yourself. Any guy would run at that, because it would have meant that I needed a lot of work, and I have noticed that women are willing to date projects, in fact some women are attracted to progress. But men? The run away from projects, run away from anything that resembles a mess, because let's face it, they really don't have the patience to deal with all of that.
6. I am freakishly scared of being physically alone. I can only stay by myself for so long. I have no clue what is going to happen this summer when all of my friends leave and I am left in the apartment by my lonesome. I will probably go crazy. So, I'm trying to teach myself how to enjoy my own company, without the distraction of friends, family and boys.

And I think that's it. I know, its a lot. But its a work in progress, one day at a time. 

Peace && Love,

Steph Laughs