And She's Gonna Do Something About It...
Notice anything significant about this picture?
I know who the first person you noticed was...It was the big girl, wasn't it?
You don't have to lie, or cover it up...We all know why we notice the big girl first, before any of the other beautiful, young ladies beside her. It's because she happens to be bigger than normal. Our society may even refer to her as fat, overweight, to some obese, to few curvy, large, you name it, there is a word for it.
The reason why I brought this up, is because half of the time, I am that girl in the picture. I am the one being noticed because I'm big, or being ignored because I'm big. Either way, the only reason I am noticed is because of that. Even though I would like to say it's because I recently got lashes and people wanna know where I got 'em done, or that its because they are just dying to know where I got my Old Navy winter coat from, or she is too cute, I wanna get to know her, I know that most times, that is probably not the case.
And I would say I'm fine with it, but denial for me wears off real quick. I am not okay with it. I can ignore it, or forget about it but for the most part, I hate it. I hate my weight being a factor in what I feel, how I think, what I wear, where I go, what I eat, where I sit, how I react, what I say, every single aspect of my life. I am SICK of it. I am twenty, and I can say that the only time that I ever didn't have to worry about weight was when I was in Nigeria for boarding school, where I starved so much, I lost all the weight. But I gained it right back, and then some more, when I came back, because I wasn't TRYING to lose the weight, I just did. Other than that, weight and looks have suffocated my thinking for as long as I can remember.
All of my friends have been either skinny, or healthy. I have never really had a big friend like me. Never. I have acquaintances who were big and got skinny, just because they were fed up and sick enough to change their circumstances. But its hard when you have no partner. Oh, yeah, sure you have friends who will encourage you and also tell you to keep going and to push through and persevere. But that just makes me think, "Bitch, you skinny! What the fuck do you know about my situation, or what I can or cannot do? What do you know about being me? What do you know about trying to lose a hundred pounds? Huh? Don't worry, I'll wait...Exactly....Didn't think so." I actually went to work out today with my two used-to-run-track friends who were trying to train me, a girl who hasn't participated in sports since freshman year...of HIGH SCHOOL. And laughed at me when I couldn't even do HALF of what they could do. Bitches.
And that's where relapse kicks in and as hard as you try, you fail one too many times because one day you will feel alone and you will feel vulnerable and you will feel like maybe just that one order of pizza, or those hot wings, or maybe that lo mien will be okay, and tomorrow, you will start again. But tomorrow never comes. Ever. And you get even BIGGER. It's a fucking cycle. A cycle that I am all too familiar with. A cycle that has consumed my life for forever.
I blame my fat for a lot of things. I blame it for the fact that I am twenty and only have one relationship to show for it. And as of right now, I no longer will count that, because I wasn't even in love with him, just desperate for a boyfriend. I blame my fat for the fact that I don't go out and do things by myself as much as I want to. I blame my fat for a shy childhood. I blame my fat for imprisoning me in the past, constantly reminding me of how worthless I used to feel when people would make fun of me, or adults would ask me about it, or even how it affects me now, even though I am not longer that shy, quiet girl from high school.
But I am done. It dawns on me that I am blaming something that I do to myself everyday, mindlessly accepting this as some sort of punishment for me just being me. When I control everything that happens to me. I am big, because I am just to scared and prideful and lazy to change it. And I am done. When I turned twenty, a huge change occurred. I realized that I am now a responsible adult and that just by speaking something, I have changed the way my personality is, how strong I could be, I have established myself as a person and people know me, the real me, and like it. I have done so many things, and even though it is technically not all that you can put on paper, it is still a very big, huge accomplishment. I am strong, and I can do it all, even though I do get overwhelmed and I doubt myself.
No more lazy. No more Miss Lazy Pants. I am not gonna do this to myself ever again. I owe myself a memorable twenties, with freedom, with happiness, with a life free from weight issues and thoughts and doubts. Because I am young. I don''t need to be crippled by my fat any longer.
So, I will start blogging. Every frigging day if I have to. Because I will not leave 2011 without a hundred pounds lost. I guarantee you that shit. And if I feel vulnerable...IDK maybe I'll just watch that new show I Used To Be Fat and get support from there.
Forever && Eternally,
Steph
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