So, late last year, I decided that I was gonna go on a little year-long man-cation. Not that I had hoards of dudes banging my door down to go out with me, but I was a little boy crazy and a little too distracted by guys, so what I chose to do was try and take guys out of the equation all together. So, this is my little checking in blog post about it...
It friggin sucks.
No, I'm only kidding. It's given me a lot to think about and made me realize a lot of things about myself. Like, what I want, and how afraid I am of love itself, and it made me realize how I wanted a boyfriend only because I didn't think I could love myself the way I need to. I still don't. To this day, it is still a constant struggle. I'm trying to find that self love that all the greats boast about...You know, like Lauryn Hill. That self love where you really don't even care if a guy comes along or not. That self love that makes the fear of being alone forever nonexistent. That self love that comes with a confidence that makes other people's thoughts and comments not matter not one bit. I search for it daily, and honestly, if I hadn't decided to go on this man-cation, I probably would not have discovered how hard it is to have a lot a self love.
Now, I'm not saying that the man-cation is the best thing ever. It is hard. Very hard. I see Katy and all the guys she talks to and they seem like genuine guys and good people, and I wonder why that hasn't happened to me. I get insecure when I go to parties and my friends talk to so many dudes and dance with guys who call them pretty and wanna take down their numbers, and I look around and no one is really checking for me. I get sad when I look at the lack of romance in my life. Even if I go on a man-cation for twenty years, I don't think that will change completely. I think the man-cation's purpose is not to ignore guys completely, but to explore myself as much as I can before I have to explore someone else.
I have a lot of things I want to do, and some of them will never be accomplished if I don't get my head out of the love clouds and pay attention to what is really happening. Seriously. The man-cation is supposed to help with that.
Another thing about this man-cation was supposed to be about was me losing weight because I want to, but that hasn't happened yet. I don't think its totally about me at all. Its about wearing sexier clothing and being more confident so I can go out on more dates and get approached by more guys. And I don't know if I like that reasoning so much. I actually think I hate it. Why would I embark on that torturous road because of a guy? Or what society deems as beautiful? I cut off all of my hair and sometimes I worry that I will never find someone who can appreciate who I am totally and completely, kinks and all. And the fact that I can't meet someone as I am now, with natural hair and an overweight body, sucks because I want to be appreciated by my mind first and foremost before my body. You know?
Anyway, the man-cation is still going strong. But it doesn't mean that its not hard, because at times it is. But its not hard enough where I feel like I have to stop, you know? Its just another thing that I have to do in order to be the wonderful Stephanie of the future. Taking it one day at a time.
Forever && Eternally,
Stephanie
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